Competition Sneezing

I’ve decided to begin working out for the new sport announced on ESPN the week of Thanksgiving: Competitive Sneezing.

People have been known to auto-induce severe head colds just to be able to better compete. That is the category I am in. I wanted to be in top form to be able to blow my brains out with explosive sneezes that project out of my mouth at over 200mph. I wasn’t real keen in participating in the “Juicy Sneezing” competition, just too messy. I had to make sure that the head cold I induced was just of the right consistency to  make me feel like dried dog manure and make my head locked up tighter than a snare drum. That way, when I sneeze, I just get a fine mist with an explosive, high decibel sound. The recoil needs to be strong enough to snap the head back and be followed by a low, but audible, “ooohhhh” sound, but not so strong that it hurts. A simple wipe of the nose with a tissue should be all that is required once my heat is over.

I’m really quite proud of what I’m achieving. I actually made the sheet I had pulled over my head last night to blow up about two feet this morning. I even accomplished a difficult 6-sneeze repetitive sneeze that left me gasping for breath. In the “Sneeze with food in your mouth” Category I didn’t fare too well: I blew cracker and peanut butter across the table and got choked. The minimum requirement is to coat a wall five feet away with food particles and completely empty your mouth in the process.

I did compete in the “3 Sneeze Drive down College Road at Rush Hour” last night. It wasn’t executed very gracefully but I did manage to slam on the brakes before hitting the car in front of me.

I’m antecipating the followup competition that should begin in 24-48 hours — deep talking like Arnold Schwarnezeger on steriods.

<in a really deep voice> I’ll be back…


2 responses to “Competition Sneezing

  1. Hey I know a friend that can do pretty good sneezes, so if you want to contact me or anything, don’t I probably won’t answer but if you can contact somebody I know to contact me, I would be happy to answer but good luck with that and if you can’t then you’re missing a really good sneezer for this competitive sneezing.
    Also tell Ted Cruz that most people want a figurine of him, no reason to explain but just tweet at him.

  2. My mother is a good sneezer and would be perfectly eligible for this competition

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