I’ve decided to begin working out for the new sport announced on ESPN the week of Thanksgiving: Competitive Sneezing.
People have been known to auto-induce severe head colds just to be able to better compete. That is the category I am in. I wanted to be in top form to be able to blow my brains out with explosive sneezes that project out of my mouth at over 200mph. I wasn’t real keen in participating in the “Juicy Sneezing” competition, just too messy. I had to make sure that the head cold I induced was just of the right consistency to make me feel like dried dog manure and make my head locked up tighter than a snare drum. That way, when I sneeze, I just get a fine mist with an explosive, high decibel sound. The recoil needs to be strong enough to snap the head back and be followed by a low, but audible, “ooohhhh” sound, but not so strong that it hurts. A simple wipe of the nose with a tissue should be all that is required once my heat is over.
I’m really quite proud of what I’m achieving. I actually made the sheet I had pulled over my head last night to blow up about two feet this morning. I even accomplished a difficult 6-sneeze repetitive sneeze that left me gasping for breath. In the “Sneeze with food in your mouth” Category I didn’t fare too well: I blew cracker and peanut butter across the table and got choked. The minimum requirement is to coat a wall five feet away with food particles and completely empty your mouth in the process.
I did compete in the “3 Sneeze Drive down College Road at Rush Hour” last night. It wasn’t executed very gracefully but I did manage to slam on the brakes before hitting the car in front of me.
I’m antecipating the followup competition that should begin in 24-48 hours — deep talking like Arnold Schwarnezeger on steriods.
<in a really deep voice> I’ll be back…